Hot Coffee Scandal and Hooker Boots

Okay, Liza is in the shower and has been needling me to make a post on the blog. She desires me to tell you of the shoes and of Petunia's adventure in the coffee cup.

One morning, Liza was drying her hair with the hair dryer (as one does) when I came into the bathroom with a cup of coffee in one hand and Petunia T. Hodgebeast sitting on the other, looking around and seeing things. Liza - being in a playful mood - blew little Petunia in the face with the hairdryer. She liked it very much - it was an exciting event in her young life - but, as she is only very small, she blew backwards and fell into the coffee mug; which was kind of full of coffee.

At this point, Liza was rendered useless as she burst into tears and ruined her makeup while Petunia swam around for a while as I fished her out. She was gently washed under the tap and squeezed dry and is now none the worse for her adventure. She does, however, smell of coffee but - when you are part of a species (Hodgehegs) which live entirely on fine coffee and vanilla pastries - smelling of coffee is a positive advantage.

We also went to buy shoes. I only have two pairs of shoes - for I am sensible. I have boots for when it is very snowy, and then I have shoes which are black and go with anything. Liza has 42 pairs of shoes.

42 pairs of shoes. Who needs so many shoes? She only has two feet.

She then proceeded to tell me that she needed this particular pair of brown boots. I challenged the necessity of said brown boots - I felt that needed should only really apply to one pair of shoes to keep the cold and rain out, and things like food and shelter. And not even all sorts of food and shelter - the funny Jewish balls in the soup stuff we are having for lunch is not essential. Especially at Christmas.

That is not to imply that one could live in a Matzoh ball - maybe one could. Is that the sort of dance held for girls at their Bat Mitzvah? And is a Bat Mitzvah what BatJew has?

No, I did not invent BatJew.





Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah - hooker boots. Liza maintained that she quote-needed-unquote these brown boots, but that they were expensive. Liza also really liked some brown suede boots, and rather had her eye on some spike-heeled things she called hooker boots. I said I would buy her the brown suede ones for Christmas, but she said they were too expensive. We had a bit of an arguement about this but she eventually saw it my way and said, and I jest ye not, "I'll let you buy me the suede ones, but I will buy these."

Excuse me? Is that girl-logic? (BTW girls, logic is a thought process - not an Albanian Christian name) It is okay for her to have as a present non-essential "Do-Me"-shoes, provided she buys other shoes? Does this make any sort of sense?

"Oh, I can't have an ice-cream, that would make me fat. But, tell you what, if I have a steak as well - then everything is okay!"

Heads up, ladies - buying more stuff does not cancel out stuff! It doesn't work like that.

On an unrelated note - why does American TV give prime-time slots concerned with "How to live your life" to a convicted criminal? America's housewives are taking life-style advice from a woman guilty of lying under oath? And this is good . . . how?

Look, fellas - don't mean to worry you but, let's consider for a second. Martha Stewart - asked by a Judge (after swearing an oath) to tell the truth, didn't. And she is being held up as a role model? Not wishing to be nasty, but this girl has a proven track record for being a liar. This tells me two things; i) I don't trust her stuffing mix to work and ii) I'm not sure I'm really comfortable with "living the Martha lifestyle" (i.e. criminal perjury)

I did, however, find it funny that her show this morning looked back on the year and not a second of it dwelt on her time in stir. Also, it was perhaps ironic that she focused on a charity which helped mothers incarcertated in prison - plenty of the children interviewed said they would like to be teachers or nurses or whatever; I think some of them should have said "I want to be a talk-show host."

Perhaps they edited that out. Happy Holidays.

Darknight