A little reflection . . .
There is a fantasy I sometimes indulge in. No, not the one of Liza dressed as Wonder Woman, but an altogether more arrogant one.
I am dead and I come, broken and bleeding and tired and worn, to the foot of the steps that lead to the throne of God. And in this fantasy, the gleaming white steps are the concrete representation of Purgatory (after the wonderful work of my friend Mercury Gray). And I stumble up them, step by agonizing step, and eventually come to stand before the throne of Jesus Christ. And He looks down on me, and I can finally meet His gaze.
He speaks to me.
“Welcome, beloved and trusted servant – enter into the kingdom prepared for you before the foundation of the Earth.”
He glances down at my side. I am holding a sword. I realize I have been holding it for a very long time. He shakes His head and smiles.
There are others here – people I recognize, at least I do now. There is Ignatius, and Aquinas, and John-Paul, and others. And because this is a fantasy, even people like Dr. Monica Miller and Michelle Yax (who are still alive) and even people who don't exist – so I can see Vladimir Hunyadi and Elizabeth Studdock.
“You can put it down,” says Ignatius.
“You don't need to fight any more,” adds Aquinas.
“You won,” explains John-Paul.
“The war is over?” I ask.
“For you,” they answer.
And I let go of the sword and – and this is where it really becomes fantastic, because I have no idea what this will feel like, because I don't know how to do anything but fight – I feel at peace. And I am content.
And I want this fantasy to be real so very much – not because I want to feel at peace, but because I want to be able to want to feel at peace. I want to be able to be content with not fighting. I don't want to feel guilty for not trying to advance the Kingdom and get myself to Heaven.
But right now I am not content with that – I feel guilty. And so that is why I do fight, and why I continue to break my friendships and risk hurting others and hold such extreme positions. Right now, I don't actively seek peace. I don't want the war to end, because if it did I think I wouldn't know what to do.
When the war ends for me, I know that I will be happy not fighting. I just don't know what that happiness will feel like.
That's why this is a fantasy.
posted by the hodge at 1:18 PM
4 Comments:
What does the Beatitudes say? Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for justice,for they shall be satisfied. I think you have so much of that in you, Simon, a hunger and a thirst for justice, and that's good.
But it also does say blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God. In my Peace Studies class, we're talking about Gandhi right now, a man who knew a lot about wars, but also knew a great deal about peace, and nonviolence, and a great deal about respect.
And when it comes down to it, I think peace is about respect. You can't singlehandedly change the world,can't singlehandedly convert the whole population to what you believe in, because some people are set and will not change, but by having at least a little kernel of respect for people who you disagree with (like me, a great deal of the time, though I am not strong enough to admit to it) it makes the world a little bit more bearable, because you stop seeing hate and start seeing the good things in people.
Saint Paul said that the Word of God was like a mighty sword of the spirit -- but he didn't say you had to kill people with it to prove your point.
My dear one - you asked me last night what it is that makes me love you. This post says it all - on so many levels.
Love,
me
You're an amazing man, Simon. In spite of the rare occasions when the two of us disagree on a moral stance (what is that?...twice now? Maybe?), I've always had the utmost respect for your determination to fight for what you believe. It's a determination and a strength that I'm not at all sure I have within myself. Which makes me all the more glad to have a friend like you.
How beautiful, and how eloquent. You have touched my heart. Most importantly, I'm sure your words and your passion for fighting for what you believe in have touched the heart of God. He's the one who has placed this within you, Simon. Always use what He has given you for His glory (in other words, delight yourself in Him), and He will give you the desires of your heart. God bless you, my very sweet and special friend.
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