It's a lot like steely, but without the carbon

Christmas Day! In your face, pagan scum!

The day dawns bright and early (and also rainy and cold, but meh) and we set off for the Vorisopolis where we already have the previously-mentioned Pot Of Death (TM) sitting on the stovetop, already full of coke.


(10 liters of Coke there, in a pot. Badass.)

So, I immediately turn the heat up on the pot o' coke and start the process of getting 10 liters of Coca Cola to the boil. This is not a small process, as I am sure you can imagine. It is, in fact, how castles were defended in the Middle Ages.

I then whip out my meat (fnar-fnar). As previously discussed, my meat is so large (fnar-fnar) it could not fit in anything less than a professional recepticle (fnar-fnar). If you remember, I had to use a garbage can to brine it and so - following on with this theme - I transported it from Chez Us to the Vorisopolis in a large garbage bag.



I then put my meat in the professional receptical filled with hot coke and added yet more Coca-Cola, because there was not enough in the pot already!



The lid is put on the pot and the whole thing left to boil. It comes to the boil around about an hour later. So; if you want to attack a Cadbury-Schweppes castle, do so quickly, before they have time to heat the boiling coke.



I am somewhat concerned about the sheer size of this thing - Nigella (May Her Name Ever Be Honored) says a 4.4lb ham will take about 2 to 2 and a half hours. She also says, "for smaller or larger hams, assume an hour per kilo". Well, that is just dandy, Nigella (Whose Eyes Are The Stars), but I suspect these things are not strictly linear. I mean, you can't say "It weighs an ounce, and so it will take one and a half minutes." Nor can you boil a blue whale for about a year and a half an expect it to be cooked through.

So, I went searching on the internet for some kind of guidance, searching for "boiling ham internal temperature" on the Oracle of Google. And lo, I find a website which details how to cook a ham by boiling it. A 12 lb ham (the same size as ours . . . yes, my earlier estimates were entirely too conservative) no less!

This website recommends boiling a 12 lb ham for 4 to 5 hours, which is about what I had estimated and worked out. But, more importantly, this website comes complete with a built-in get-out clause! It is the Baptist Courier, and this article is by someone who looks like she would call Roman Catholics "Cat-licks!" or "Pay-peests!" Awesome.

So, any failures can safely be blamed on this tambourine-shaking Baptist and her hatred of all things Vaticano. An excellent solution, and one without any drawbacks.