An Open Letter to a Particular PC Manufacturer

The following is an open letter to a particular PC manufacturer; those who know me know which one, but I feel the piece stands with a generic expy name in there - so that the company itself is not embarassed.


Dear CompuLectaSoft,

I am writing to you in reference to some matters orbiting the subject of computer design philosophy. As a long-time user of IBM-compatible personal computers, often of the so-called “Wintel” architecture (popularly but imprecisely known as “PCs”) I have some small insight which I feel would be beneficial if shared with all parties involved.

There are many design philosophies informing technical and aesthetic choices made in the Wintel domestic and prosumer market. The technical innovations of the decades since the creation of the first PCs have allowed for smaller, more powerful computers available at an increasingly inexpensive price (Moore's Law does, indeed, appear to be being obeyed with an accuracy which marks its formulator as prescient). Additionally, the design aesthetic of the Macintosh brand of computers produced by Apple have influenced both hardware and software design within the Wintel field (witness the recent expressions of the classic MS graphical metaphors in Windows Vista and 7; these are close graphically to modern Macintosh OS). Computers have become sleeker, smaller and with less intrusive and more intuitive interfaces.

While not universally welcoming such design choices, I recognize these are popular among a broad demographic and – thanks to the excellent and robust capitalist system provided by our liberal, free-market democracy – such appeal is what drives innovation and choice. I am, in general, pleased with the direction PC architecture (and, in particular, Wintel architecture) is taking.

That said, I have some specific suggestions concerning your products and innovations, design choice implementations and directional changes which (I believe) would be beneficial for you to incorporate into your ongoing R&D program.

Specifically, have you thought about making your products not suck quite so much ass?

I realize this is a (perhaps overly) broad suggestion, but it is possible to arrive at some advice which is more granular. Have you thought about creating a domestic PC which boots up in under five minutes and does not load enough software to generate a convincing facsimile of The Matrix as found in the eponymous movies by the Wachowski brothers? I would not complain but, to belabor the metaphor, once your engines of pain have loaded this glut of software, we find that they render the vile little bug things which worm their way into Keanu Reeves' navel perfectly – but make the character of Persephone (played by Monica Bellucci) look like Rosie O'Donnell.

Why, precisely, is it necessary to pre-load your PCs with a horde of software which performs functions the average user has no desire to engage with? And why is this software quite so greedy when it comes to system resources, even when not running actively? One begins to wonder if your company is not thinking it can extend its market share by emulating the country's largest employer (the Federal Government) by taking resources to do nothing but employ individuals (in your case, software programs waiting for a user to use them – a foolish prospect at best) who sit around doing nothing. Ooo. Burn.

Speaking of which, why are there not one, but two additional CD burning programs installed on the PC I have had the misfortune to attempt to nurse back to some kind of health? This is, of course, in addition to the program internal to the Windows OS which allows for the burning of CDs. And why is there a DVD burning facility on a PC which has no DVD burner?

There is a gap of silicone and conductor this software can't bridge. There may also be a gap elsewhere, but I would have to X-ray your head to be sure.

I have had the misfortune to use (not, I hasten to add, for myself – I was using another individual's PC) one of your computers (a term I use under advisement, and without prejudice to the truth) which came “bundled” with your suite of media software. The verb “to bundle” is used here in much the same sense as it would be used in documentation written by the New York City Police Department when discussing the activities of the well-known businessman and philanthropist John “Don” Gotti in dealing with commercial rivals; to wit; “John Gotti bundled him in a burlap bag with a heavy weight and dropped him in the East River”. However, to return to your media software – something it appears users are forced to do. Your media suite (a program somewhat larger and more convoluted than “Lost”) appears to load its Brobdingnagian mass in its entirety at the slightest provocation, and usurp the traditional role held by Windows features such as the Media Player, Picture Viewer, and perhaps even the kernel. Time and time again I was forced to stare at a suddenly dimmed screen, wondering if a) there had been a power failure b) your infernal program had kicked in once again and was taking an interminable time to load or c) I had been struck blind by the wrath of the Lord and was being prepared for a role as the Apostle to the Gentiles (c/f the Apostle Paul). While a) was usually a possibility, c) was rejected out of hand as, although God can make good of all things, it is asking a lot even for Him to work with what you produce.

I could go on, and will so long as this remains vaguely amusing. When attempting to access the Task Manager (so that I might, you know, be able to manage the tasks your machina infernalis was running in an onanistic orgy of processor hogging) via the tried-and-tested “three fingered salute” of CTRL-ALT-DEL I was stunned, nay even unto silence, by the fact the machine did nothing for a prolonged period of time, dimmed its screen to black, made a noise with its fan not entirely unlike a Harrier Jump Jet getting ready for the off, and then proceeded to display a small dialogue box which informed me – in terse, unhelpful terms - there had been an error and the security dialog was unable to be displayed. This is, frankly, unacceptable – not that I imply by this statement anything about your technology is acceptable, excepting perhaps the use of the hardware as an object lesson or a hammer.

You may choose to blame the problems on the Windows Vista OS. This is, if you will forgive the analogy, like choosing to blame everything on the Jews; it's not true, it doesn't help solve the problem, and it is the purview of short Austrians with bad mustaches and drunken Australian hypocrites. I have used Vista on other machines and – while it remains a flawed OS – it only reaches its zenith of incompetence when installed on the hardware your company produces and ships to an unsuspecting world, in the manner of a bio-weapons' dealer exercising particularly poor quality control.

I must admit, however, a certain grudging respect for your company – if only for the chutzpah in continuing to sell these products. This reaches a level akin to a man who, having murdered both his parents, requests clemency from the court because he is an orphan. I have also defended your company (and not merely as an exercise in how long it is possible to attempt the impossible before someone calls you on it); there has been a risible question-and-response circulating the internet which runs (if not verbatim, in some similar form); “What is the difference between a CompuLectaSoft PC and a bucket of horse manure?” The generally-accepted form of the answer is “The bucket”.

This, I feel, is unfair, and I have objected to it. I have maintained, without exception, that the level of organization and rationale bestowed on digested hay and oats by the fecal process of a large equine is, in fact, superior to that found in your products.

In conclusion, it is my firm belief your method for designing computers would be considered unusually crude for a colony of cherrystone clams, and that there are tribes in the equatorial jungles of South America who – while yet untouched by civilization – would be capable of producing a superior analytical device from dates and tiger penises, even though neither of these items are indigenous to South America. Had Charles Babbage known what you were going to do, he would have immolated himself on a bonfire made from the manuscripts for his difference engine after writing a Luddite treatise against technology in all its forms.

Thank you for your time,

Yours,

Simon Rafe