Chanelling Allie

I have done very little today other than write the previous blog post and read the entirety of Hyperbole and Half. I am the world's finest procrastinator. Or maybe I will be tomorrow.


So, I am going to write a blog post. And, as all I have done today is read Allie Brosh, this post might reflect her writing style. Whatever. You should totally read her blog, as it is awesome funny. Also, she totally reminds me of a girl I used to date. Which probably sounds totally creepy and stalkery, but isn't.


What I did do today was (as I said in the previous blogpost) was make marzipan. We decided that marzipan is hellish expensive (this is true) and that it is easy to make.


This is not true.


First, you have to have 4 cups of ground almonds, which is something you can't just find at a regular store. It is not just chopped almonds, it needs to be like almond flour or something like that. I am reminded of my statement one Christmas that (in my precocious "I am winning the science prize, hippies" manner) a brazil nut contained enough energy to blow your right arm off (I dunno if it really did; I might have made that up). My sister, ever clever, said "What about your left arm?" I am also reminded (when placed together, these two things make some kind of sense) of the dangers inherrent in flour mills. Particulate-stuff (flour, powdered sugar) burns in an explosive manner when scattered through the air.


No, seriously. For real. Custard-powder bombs are very real.


(Dash it all, I totally promised myself I was not going to post some reference to cooking meth, or making explosives, or something else I could use to say "there are some recipes on the internet which are awesome and work and some which do not. Like this one for marzipan." And now lookit.)


Alright, I get ahead of myself.


Liza bought 2 lbs of raw almonds and we ground them up in a food processor and then a coffee grinder, and made 4 cups of almond dust. This is not only an explosion risk, but if you have some kind of allergy to nuts, you really shouldn't breathe the same air as me or come into my house.


You know, I have cats too. And nuts. And eggs and maybe fish. You know what? If you have allergies, you probably shouldn't know me. I am like Dr. Mengele only without the cool uniform and knowledge of anatomy.


Too soon?


Then we made the recipe - this required initially to basically make toffee. Sugar and water and boil 'em until they are at the "soft ball" stage. I did this. You then cool down the toffee so it goes thick and creamy and then mix in the ground almonds and egg white. And then you stir and heat it until it gets thicker.


At this point, the "marzipan" looked like oatmeal. Utterly like oatmeal. I still had faith in the internet, because when has it ever lied to me before? Other than all those times, of course.


What you do with this oatmeal mess is pour it on a flat surface and knead until it resembles marzipan.


Let me tell you what does happen if you try this. The oatmeal mess flops everywhere and you have to scoop up boiling sugar-and-nut mixture and put it back in the pan while swearing all the while. This recipe just does not work.


The resulting concoction does not even taste like marzipan. It tastes like oatmeal with a faint tinge of almonds. I put it in the freezer, where it has kind of set into, well, solidified oatmeal. It is grainy and solid and utterly unlike any kind of marzipan I have ever seen.


There are a number of possible uses for this substance;

1. Building material
2. Exfoliating face scrub (Liza actually agreed this was a good idea)
3. Putting it in a pie crust and baking it.

Everything is better in a pie crust. Except maybe more pie crust. Some kind of infinite pie. That might not be good. It would be like a Chinese puzzlebox filled with more puzzleboxes.

So, marzipan making = fail. I feel I may have redeemed myself with the turkey meatballs made from spare, however.

We will bite the bullet and buy actual marzipan, not some kind of exfoliating building material puzzlebox center.