Livin' la vida Americano

Hello from this side of the Atlantic.

The Atlantic is a wide and odd ocean, filled with (if the naturalists and Von Daniken are to be believed) with ancient civilisations and whales. Perhaps the two are connected in some way. In any case, the divide is quite clear - the lifestyle of the Americans is odd when compared to ours.

To wit, the concept of 'Normous Pie. Liza does not quite grasp exactly how different this is, but she can't grasp the pie either as it is simply too large.

We went to Sam's Club, which is not a titty bar run by some washed-up 80's Page 3 girl (the non-Americans are going "Who?" while people my age from the right-hand-side of the Atlantic divide are going, "Miss Fox, where are you?"

(Heads up - she became a lesbian.)

Anyway, Sam's Club is - basically - a cash and carry. It is exceedingly large and filled with every sort of food and good one could want. As this is a cash and carry place, the stuff is quite large. We all know the drill - you go to Macro and you buy enough cinnamon to make a cinnamon roll the size of your head.

Every day. For the rest of your life.

Bear in mind this is America - in America, things are big. My new boss, Mike Voris of Saint Michael's Media (donate to us, please) drives a vehicle called an Avalanche. It starts them, I am sure. It combines the attributes of a pick-up and an SUV (which, for the British audience, can be translated as, 'Those damn things the bloody Middle-class women clog up the roads outside the schools with') in a handy, tank-sized package. It's huge - you sit in the passenger seat and you are closer to the next highway than the driver. You need ladders and pitons and oxygen to get into the thing. We went to Ikea - which is, again, huge - and bought 18 chairs, three sets of shelves, some free standing shelves and some meatballs. It all fitted in the back.

So, in the USA, large is the key here. So, imagine for a second the sheer unremiting size of the products you get in an American cash and carry.

It's bloody frightening. We bought some chicken breasts - each one was so large that even Jordan would think twice about having it installed in her chest. We saw rolls of sausage meat as long as I am tall and the thickness of my waist. Vast mountains of melons and oceans of juice.

And the 'Normous Pie.

Behold the pie.



As we can clearly see, the pie is very nice - it is an apple pie, covered in a caramel topping with some nuts going on. It is, basically, an Apple Granny. Except with nuts and some unspecified "crunch".

Now, let us consider the size of the pie. Note that there is nothing to give it scale in the photo - so here is the label. I assure you what it says is accurate.



The thing is a foot across! Sweet Merciful Jesus, it's huge! Let us assume the pie is about three inches deep - which I think it is. That gives it a volume of over five litres! Dear God, man! How big is an apple? About ten centimetres across? Thirteen whole apples - assuming that everything was used (pips, stalks and all) and they didn't shrink down during the cooking.

My God, man - what a pie!

We are taking the pie - together with MEAT ON STICK (my comments on the male phenomena of meat on stick can be found below in the eponymous epistle) and vast quanties of Frat Boy Beer - to Mike's house to watch the Notre Dame (pronounced like "Panto") game on his enormous TV. Do we see a theme here?

In addition to getting into the American way of life by having everything be the size of a house, I have also undertaken the classic immigrant role in the USA; I have done gardening for a beautiful woman living in a nice house in the suburbs.



Part of me kept expecting Eva Longoria to stick her head out of the window - although Hazel Park isn't quite Wistenra Lane.

Still, I am setting into the American way of life quite well, although I am constantly shocked by the vast amount of everything. Note, if you will, as we close this entry, the size of the lawn I am mowing. Now, bear in mind that mower I am using is petrol driven and has more horsepower than the average UK family saloon.

God Bless America - He's better start early, 'cause there's so much of it it's gonna take Him a while.

Darknight