It Must Be True, I Saw It On TV

I have a healthy respect for infomercials. And you know that must be true because you read it on the internet (which, as all men of learning know, a series of tubes which was invented by Al Gore).

Seriously; why do we accept all this garbage we read on the internet or see on TV? While there are some seriously kick-ass infomercials out there containing nothing but truly awesome factoids which are entirely true (such as the following);



and this one



there are several which are just full of lies, falsehoods and outright flim-flam.

Fig One: the flim-flam merchant of today (no, not Barack Obama); Chef Tony;



Look at him - some kind of fat man in a costume with a suspect mustache. As mentioned elsewhere, the last time I saw a mustache like that it belonged to a man fixing the plumbing (fnar-fnar) of a girl with at least a gallon of silicone installed in her chest.

Everyone knows Chef Tony - and wishes they didn't. He is that fellow with the Miracle Blades which, while blades, are not miraculous. Allow me to compare and contrast a few things in order to showcase the difference between miraculous and not miraculous;

The Incarnation

Verdict? MIRACLE!

Barack Obama's Fatuous Speech to the 2004 DNC

Verdict? NOT A MIRACLE!

The Apparition of the Virgin Mary at Zeitun

Verdict? MIRACLE!

Chef Tony's 'Miracle' Knives

Verdict? NOT A MIRACLE!

Gov. Sarah "The Barracuda" Palin

Verdict? MIRACLE!

Okay - Chef Tony, your Miracle Knives are not miraculous. And you are not what you claim to be either. Neither are you a trustworthy fellow, oh prince of flim-flammery. Let's take a look at a few choice quotes from your Wikipedia page;

... Anthony "Chef Tony" Notaro is a successful infomercial pitchman. Notaro is not a chef as his nickname would suggest ...

... Notaro began his career in 1971 as a professional bum ...

... but relevant statistical evidence is not given that supports this claim ...

... a malfunction in the interlocking lid assembly ...

... putting users of the product at risk of lacerations and/or fingertip amputation ...

What the hey, "Chef" Tony? You aren't a chef. You worked as a "professional bum" (whiskey-tango-foxtrot?) You have no evidence to support what you say. You sell shoddy products - which might cut someone's fingers off.

(I realize the irony of relying on Wikipedia to give me information about someone who I am mocking for unreliable information. It is like of like the blind leading the blind, or some sort of weird, messed-up Escher painting. Like a jackass watching a jackass watching a jackass in front of a mirror. Forever.)

And "Chef" Tony produces garbage infomercials like this;



Right, Tony. Sure. Because I really need to cut a pineapple in half in mid-air. You know, only last week I was attacked by flying pineapples and I was thinking, "Damnit all - if only I had some kind of deadly knife with which I could cut these pineapples in half in mid-air, then I wouldn't be absolutely screwed right now. Oh, wait - no, I'm fine. Because they are just pineapples, and pineapples aren't really a credible threat. They're fruit."

You total asshat, "Chef" Tony.

What I don't get with these commercials is the utter stupidity and illogic inherent in them. If the Miracle Blade can cut through anything (including Ninja Leaping Pineapples), why aren't our forces in Iraq armed with them? Seriously, dudes. Drop Chuck Norris armed with a Miracle Blade on Falujah and just watch the fireworks.

Here is another question; if the Miracle Blade (as we are often shown) can slice through anything (such as the flank of a aircraft carrier) and then slice through a tomato without squishing it, why doesn't it go through the chopping board? Seriously, people - why doesn't it cut straight through the earth to the molten core of this planet and cause an eruption of magma which will destroy all life as we know it (except, of course, the Killer Ninja Flying Pineapples, because they can only be stopped by being cut in half in mid-air by a Miracle Blade).

In fact, pineapples. I want to take issue with you - you aren't an apple, and you aren't from a pine. I call you out on your lying. And there is nothing you can do about my calling you out - as I have a Miracle Blade. Leap at me! Leap at me, you pineapples! And come at me with your raspberries too!

"Chef" Tony has also made a product called "The Ultimate Chopper". I don't know about you, but I would not put any chopper belonging to a man with that mustache anywhere near my food. Maybe it's just a factor of the gradual erosion of innocence in our culture - we now live in a world where not only could Leave it to Beaver not air as people would find it dull, but the very title Leave it to Beaver would only be given to R-rated movies sold in brown-paper bags to men in dirty rain macs. When I was a kid, a chopper was a sort of bike. And all the kids wanted a big purple chopper.

Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose.